[THIS IS AN EXPERIMENT. THIS IS FAKE NEWS]

NEW CALORIE-NEUTRAL ‘FAST FOOD’ SERVICE LAUNCHES IN TIME FOR JANUARY DETOX

A new service, named Fast Food, that requires customers to chase their sandwiches, burning off the calories that they are set to consume, is launching in time for the New Year detox. The sandwiches are carried by amateur athletes. Customers sign up on a website, choose their lunch, give their delivery address and time of arrival and pay an extra £5 for the chase.  A typical 400 calorie sandwich would be burned off on a 3-4 mile run.  A runner turns up at the allotted time, knocks on the door, waits for it to open and runs away. Customers give chase and the runner stops at the point that the number of calories in the lunch have been consumed.

Founder, Chris P. Bacon, explained how he came up with the idea: “Over breakfast I was watching the squirrels eating all the bird food.  It got me thinking about the point of squirrels (the way in the summer I think about the point of wasps).  I guess they are prey to something else – dogs maybe – or big, fast cats.  Then it got me thinking about how useful it is to have ‘fast food’, ie, food that you have to chase to catch and get a bit fitter in the process so that you in turn can outrun the thing that is trying to catch and eat you.  Then I got thinking about humans and how we don’t have to chase our food.  We just drive to a supermarket, do endless circuits to find a car park nearest the door, walk in and take it off the shelf.  Then I started thinking about a ‘fast food’ idea for humans.  Why doesn’t someone set up a sandwich delivery service that you have to chase to buy from?  Imagine someone with a beard and checked shirt turning up to your office door, doing that beckoning thing with his finger, giving a wry smile and sprinting away from you with your organic brie and fig on sourdough?  When you catch him you get to eat your lunch.”

Runners can sign up as deliverers at the site. Recruitment will tap into the demand for lunch hour based fitness routines. An app provides a circular route optimised to achieve the target calories.   Runners collect the chosen lunch from a local sandwich shop and the cost is reimbursed to their account via the app.

Bacon added:  “We’ve worked closely with the Metropolitan Police on the design of the service.  Runners’ t-shirts will be clearly branded, so we are not anticipating arrests for what might appear to be grab-and-run sandwich theft.”

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