Sometimes the most boring press release can deliver a reasonably impressive result. Below is just such an example (though you might want to set the alarm on your phone in case you fall asleep while reading it. Setting the alarm is quite simple, though the method will differ from phone to phone so you might want to Google the instructions and take special care, to avoid wasting time, that you are clear about what phone you have and what version of the operating system you have installed).
Anyway, here it is:
PR BC 0214 22 March 2014
More information: Hamish Thompson firstname.lastname@example.org 07702 684290 Twitter: @HamishMThompson
BORING CONFERENCE SELLS ALL TICKETS AND IS UNABLE TO OFFER ADDITIONAL PLACES BECAUSE EXTRA SEATS WOULD BE IN BREACH OF MANAGEMENT OF HEALTH AND SAFETY AT WORK REGULATIONS 1999, SI 1999/3242, DESIGN PRINCIPLES OF FIRE SAFETY, THE STATIONERY OFFICE, 1996. ISBN 0 11 753045 X, CHEMICALS (HAZARD INFORMATION AND PACKAGING FOR SUPPLY) REGULATIONS 2002, SI 2002/1689, THE STATIONERY OFFICE, 2002. ISBN 0 11 042419 0, SUPPORTING GUIDES: THE IDIOT’S GUIDE TO CHIP 3: CHEMICALS (HAZARD INFORMATION AND PACKAGING FOR SUPPLY) REGULATIONS, 2002, INDG350, HSE BOOKS, 2002. ISBN 0 7176 2333 5 (SINGLE COPY FREE OR PRICED PACKS OF 5), CHIP FOR EVERYONE, HSG228, HSE BOOKS, 2002, ISBN 0 7176 2370 X, GUIDANCE ON THE ACCEPTANCE OF ELECTRONIC LOCKS TO DOORS REQUIRED FOR MEANS OF ESCAPE, PUBLISHED BY THE CHIEF AND ASSISTANT CHIEF FIRE OFFICERS’ ASSOCIATION, ENSURING BEST PRACTICE FOR PASSIVE FIRE PROTECTION IN BUILDINGS, BUILDING RESEARCH ESTABLISHMENT, 2003, ISBN 1 870409 19 1, SMOKE SHAFTS PROTECTING FIRE SHAFTS: THEIR PERFORMANCE AND DESIGN, BRE PROJECT REPORT 79204, BUILDING RESEARCH ESTABLISHMENT, 2002, FIRE SAFETY OF PTFE-BASED MATERIAL USED IN BUILDING, BRE REPORT 274. BUILDING RESEARCH ESTABLISHMENT, 1994. ISBN 0 851256 53 8, FIRES AND HUMAN BEHAVIOUR. DAVID FULTON PUBLISHERS, 2000, ISBN 1 85346 105 9, MANAGEMENT OF HEALTH AND SAFETY AT WORK, MANAGEMENT OF HEALTH AND SAFETY AT WORK REGULATIONS 1999, AND APPROVED CODE OF PRACTICE AND GUIDANCE, L21 (SECOND EDITION). HSE BOOKS, 2000. ISBN 0 7176 2488 9.
The Boring Conference, the annual event devoted to the mundane, has sold all of the available tickets. Due to regulatory requirements it is unable to offer any more. This year’s event will take place on May 31st at Conway Hall in Holborn.
Confirmed topics for this year’s conference include “cooking meals with the equipment available in hotel rooms” (for example, cooking pitta bread with an iron).
James Ward, conference organiser, said: “As an organiser I must as far as reasonably practicable ensure the safety of visiting crowds. Whilst certain aspects of crowd safety can be allocated to contractors, for example stewarding, I retain overall responsibility for ensuring the safety of the public. Hazards presented by a crowd include crushing between people, crushing against fixed structures, such as barriers, trampling underfoot, surging, swaying or rushing, aggressive behaviour and dangerous behaviour, such as climbing on equipment or throwing objects. Hazards presented by a venue include slipping or tripping due to inadequately lit areas or poorly maintained floors and the build-up of rubbish, moving vehicles sharing the same route as pedestrians, collapse of a structure, such as a fence or barrier, which falls onto the crowd, people being pushed against objects, such as unguarded, hot cooking equipment on a food stall, objects, such as stalls, that obstruct movement and cause congestion during busy periods, crowd movements obstructed by people queuing at bars, etc, cross flows as people cut through the crowd to get to other areas, such as toilets, failure of equipment, such as turnstiles and sources of fire, such as cooking equipment. Clearly these factors make the availability of additional seats a totally unacceptable risk and would spoil delegates’ enjoyment of the event. No more seats will be made available.”
– Enough –